To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
