Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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