Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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