He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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