Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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