the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
