how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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