the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
