Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
