mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Sorry about my life...
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
