His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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