In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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