Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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