I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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