my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I am mentally ready for anal.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
