Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
