just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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