I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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