Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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