i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
