I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
