1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
