So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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