i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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