after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
