this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
