do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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