Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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