I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
