My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
