If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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