Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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