4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
