you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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