The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
