He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
