I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
