Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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