I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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