Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
