all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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