i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
