I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
