put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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