Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
so let's talk penis.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
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