sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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