i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
