here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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