my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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