Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
