saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
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STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
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I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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