After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
