Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
