I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
