bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
