I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
