I looked at my own cervix.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
